I can scratch “scratch myself” off my list of things to do.

“A brick and a blanket walk into a bar. And I don’t drink, so I wasn’t around to…”

“I know a man who used to be a millionaire before 2007. Now he’s poor and moppin…”

“I’m looking for a girlfriend. That’s why I brought binoculars.”

“About money-grubbing women, here’s my stance: Bring on the gold diggers. I’ve g…”