I carry on about how much you love me, and I carry on my love like it’s carry-on luggage.

“Too many men have died in the name of old age. I know, because my grandmother w…”

“It’s like Mark Twain once said to his wife, Olivia: “How many times do I have t…”

“Mrs. Indianapolis was in town again. She looked like a can of Sprite in her gre…”

“My job is so boring I’m thinking of boring a second hole into my penis.”