I didn’t have enough money to tip the waitress, so I offered to take her out on a date, provided she paid for dinner. And picked me up.

“For my birthday, a few of my wealthier friends got me a pot to piss in. Also, t…”

“I am illiterate. Just not in English.”

“Sure, I’ll take your pamphlet. I need to fill up my trashcan anyway.”

“I think good advice for a father to give to his only son would be, "Don't make …”