I don’t just have one mustache, I have two. You can hardly notice them, though, because I wear them in place of my eyebrows, which I shaved off and donated to charity. I’m just a generous, kind-hearted guy, I guess.

“I got a call back on a job query from a week ago. It’s for a front desk positio…”

“A blanket could be reverse engineered to discover the origin of sleep. If we co…”

“If I had all the money in the world, I’d love seeing my name on billboards, bui…”

“I covered up my mistakes—with dirt, like you’d do with any other dead bodies.”