I feel self-conscious calling my cat fat in front of a fat person, considering I’m skinny and inconsiderate.

“I keep my fears chained up in the basement, along with a few of my foes.”

“A brick could be used to remind me of her. I mean everything else reminds me of…”

“A blanket isn’t the solution, a blanket is the problem. I say we burn all the b…”

“I’m not just a guy’s guy. I also have a mom.”