I have a list of pet names for Cap’n so long that it could fill a phone book (if the phone book is for a town with a population of four). I call him Cap’n Boy, Sweet Boyo, My Little Boy (done in a British accent), and when he is misbehaving, You Little Shit.

“A brick could be used like ice cream. But hold up, hold up. Let me put a bowl u…”

“Over 90% of my do-nothing attitude can be attributed to one thing—nothing. So c…”

“I could fuck on my back like 4:44. But I don’t. I do it like 3:33.”

“I gave him a pet name, even though he wasn’t my pet, he was my boss. I don’t kn…”