I have just been elected Captain of the Nap Squad. It's a very exhausting position, and requires training twice a day, once when I get up and once before bed.

“Whenever I drink, I always have one too many. Of course, I only ever drink one.”

“I can’t swim, because despite my love being shaped like Michael Phelps, it’s so…”

“I’d like to wade through all the people named Wade in this city, and personally…”

“Eating a plain bagel with no cream cheese is like eating the inner tube of a bi…”