I just started seeing someone, which is a relief, because the last girl I dated was invisible.

“You know what really chokes me up? Being strangled.”

“I don’t like it when I have guests over and my girlfriend doesn’t wear pants an…”

“We can be anything we want to be in this life. And I’d like to be you. But ther…”

“The best way to dig yourself out of a hole, is with a dead guy’s fingernails. T…”