I like eye contact, but please don’t blink when my eyeballs are touching yours.

“I’m so excited and lonely all at once. Just once. Not twice, because that’d be …”

“My penis isn’t big. It just appeared that way because the midget’s hands were s…”

“Somebody took my bicycle tire, my bicycle seat, and both my pedals. They stole …”

“I told the cops I’ve been framed. I told them to just go look in the art galler…”