I like wearing earth tones, and ties with little shovels stitched on. I stitched them on myself.

“I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended …”

“I traded in my car with no gas in the tank and my new car came with a full tank…”

“A cop is closer to a garbage man than he is to a lawyer. The cop isn’t in the m…”

“Agatha told me she was late, and I thought, I haven’t slept with her in years—s…”