I need to get my wedding ring resized, because it still fits tight around my neck.

“Over 90% of my do-nothing attitude can be attributed to one thing—nothing. So c…”

“I am going to think of you every time I don't have sex. So that'll mean I'll al…”

“I caught a fish with a deep voice. It was a bass.”

“My list of chores is a little too important to include in my list of life’s goa…”