I once saw a politician walking a dog, and I thought, “How absurd—an animal walking an animal.” Then I thought, “If given the choice, I’d rather vote for the dog.

“In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though …”

“The best time to complain is right after you’ve come up with a solution to the …”

“You can smuggle anything into an event inside empty pizza boxes. Carrying pizza…”

“A one-winged bird does not fly south for the winter. It flies south, west, nort…”