I painted my walls yellow, with melted butter, because I recently discovered that I had a popcorn ceiling. It’s this kind of reasoning that leads me to think I might make a great politician. Vote for me because hey, I can’t be worse than the other guy.

“When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pu…”

“Maybe one day I’ll be a real boy. Maybe then my untruthful nose won’t be longer…”

“I’d rather be assassinated. It’s not like I’m doing anything this evening. Inev…”

“The name’s David Davidson, and I am not my own son. I’m also not my own father,…”