I planted a tree. You’d think my neighbors would be happy for the shade it would provide them, but no, they said I planted it too close to their house. Since when is six inches too close?

“Every morning I think: What’s the latest I can sleep in ‘til, and still be on t…”

“A blanket could be used as a bathtub tarp, keeping all the body’s heat in, and …”

“A disobedient child is one who blinks of his own volition, without being told t…”

“I’m running late. But that’s OK, because I’m wearing Nikes.”