I rented a dress, but not an address. That I had to buy, though it made my ass look like two sacks of lumpy cream cheese. Who wants a bagel?

“I met a girl I wanted to date, but she was spoken for—by her mouth. That’s the …”

“Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get emp…”

“I have a protective coating, like a tank. It’s called Love. And when I get you …”

“I feel self-conscious calling my cat fat in front of a fat person, considering …”