I saw the corpse, and I called the cops. But not before I called a 1-800 phone sex number with the dead guy’s phone and credit card.

“There are two typos of people in this world: those who can edit, and those who …”

“Pulling your head out of your ass is better than pulling your head out of a law…”

“-I don’t want you to do anything.-Well then I won’t do anything.
-Thank you.
-D…”

“One of your siblings has got to be the dumbest. And if you’re an only child—you…”