I talked to him on Christmas, and again on March 5th. Neither one of us hung up the phone that whole time.

“Dear mom, My lieutenant is a prostitute. Can you please send me more lunch mone…”

“A brick could be substituted in for Rhode Island as a US state, because they’re…”

“I guess I should be thankful. Full of thank. But what is thank? I can't eat tha…”

“I’m lyrically illiterate. Actually, more accurately, I can’t read music.”