I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I'm going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable.

“Insider trading is a serious crime. Do you know what the penalty for doing it i…”

“I’d make a good groom, if my last name were McBride.”

“My rules are as follows: don’t follow, unless there’s a fire. And in that case,…”

“I want to have sex at 120—pm and years old.”