I want to make a splash in the world, and I want to make one with my dry wit. My dry wit is wetter than you’d imagine.

“Life isn’t so bad. I’m not fat (unless you’re Gandhi), I’m not short (unless yo…”

“As an atheist hates Christmas, I hate the fourth of July.”

“I have an 8th grade education. Of course, I also have a bachelor’s degree.”

“A brick could be used to illustrate the seriousness of the situation. You’ll kn…”