I want to publish a book on toilet paper—not only about toilet paper, but actually print it on toilet paper. That way nobody will be surprised by how shitty my book is.

“I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended …”

“My chameleon fingertips feel sticky, furry, rough, or any number of things, dep…”

“I plugged the hole up with my thumb, so at least I wouldn’t sink. But it was re…”

“Just because you don’t have an arrest record doesn’t mean you’re not a criminal…”