I want to wow you with my loudness. I wish I could turn down your job offer, because it’s hurting my ears.

“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)”

“People who die in Detroit and then go to hell probably think they’re in heaven.…”

“My chameleon fingertips feel sticky, furry, rough, or any number of things, dep…”

“Who needs a thermometer? That’s what my nipples are for.”