I was nine minutes late for my last birthday party. And I was nine months on time for my first birthday.

“I’ll watch the Final Four when there are three teams playing at once for two ti…”

“The list of women he’s slept with is longer than his penis. The list is three i…”

“I don't know where to look for jobs, so I think I'll check out the unemployment…”

“A brick could be used to sell pepper to people in the salt mines. So while you’…”