I watch basketball like I watch baseball: I don’t. I’d much rather watch grass grow. Actually, golf isn’t that bad.

“When I couldn’t grow a full beard I took it as a sign from God to grow a mustac…”

“Dear cat, your ears are flipped inside out, so I know you’re not listening to a…”

“A brick could be used to illustrate your innocence. I can help you with that, b…”

“I don’t drink water, because if water can erode rock, think what it can do to f…”