I wouldn’t want the guests at my birthday party confusing my celebration with the Oscars. That’s why I’m having the awards ceremony after we eat cake and I open my presents.


“A brick could be used to make yourself taller. It’s like self-esteem, only easi…”

“If you drive the same car as me, and have been in a fender bender, I’ll think, …”

“At the end of the universe you’ll find a door labeled “Do Not Enter.” No great …”

“It’s not stealing if I didn’t know it was in anybody’s possession, and I didn’t…”