I wrote this piece because my mailbox was full of bills, junk mail, and lettuce, but not a single letter from Andre Breton. So I decided I’d write to him (though I did eat my first two drafts).

“I wash my hair with strawberry jelly, because my favorite thing to eat for brea…”

“I make love like I sing—in a choir, alone in the bathtub.”

“When I describe love to an emotional Helen Keller, I usually say it has four le…”

“Would you mind terribly if instead of serving desert, I masturbated quietly at …”