I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and fo…”

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, wha…”

“I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then…”

“Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?”