If given the choice, I’d take five ones over a five-dollar bill, because women prefer men with lots of money.

“I can’t tell my ass from a hole in the ground. Especially if that hole is hairy…”

“I’ll insist my competitor is the greatest, so that when I beat him, I won’t be …”

“When thinking about yesterday, contrasted with today, I can’t help but observe …”

“I think guns would be more effective if bullets worked like boomerangs.”