If I don’t clean off the bug corpses that are petrified on my bumper for looks, then what do I do it for? Safety. I feel safer not knowing how many things I’ve killed with my car, possibly including many missing children.

“I’ve got a sizeable retirement nest egg. It’s an ostrich egg, and it’s going to…”

“I just got around to brushing my teeth today, and now my asshole smells minty f…”

“I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no ma…”

“A blanket could be used to feed the homeless. I mean warm the coldless. I mean …”