If I had four fingers growing out of my forehead, I wouldn't try to play the piano with my nose.

“Tickets are 40 bucks at the window, and 190 bucks if you actually go through th…”

“Every morning I think: What’s the latest I can sleep in ‘til, and still be on t…”

“I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few ext…”

“I can bench press steam, but not fog. I just have to wait until the fog lifts i…”