If I only had five minutes left to live, I’d only be half as alarmed as normal, because my watch is five minutes fast. And I can get a lot done in 10 minutes.

“I want to write an unreliable narrator. In fact, he’ll be so unreliable that I’…”

“I’d make a great color commentator. Turquoise.”

“Masturbation, like writing, is best when your mind is working faster than your …”

“The phrase “Rat you out” is offensive because it’s not offensive enough. It sho…”