If I’m happy, my eyes are chestnut; if I’m surprised, my eyes are hazelnut; if I’m afraid, my eyes look like they just shit themselves; and if I’m crying, my eyes get lighter and greener, like an anorexic leprechaun.

“When I sing, it sounds like I’m gargling spaghetti. Is it any wonder that women…”

“The word "the" is 2/3rds he. I'm not being sexist, merely statistical.”

“I try not to sell myself short, unless I’m giving myself a great price on the s…”

“I’m going to change the world, and all for under $14.95. I’m not going to chang…”