If love were a pirate, then maybe I would wear an unopened condom over my eye, like an eye patch, and shave off all my pubes and glue them to my face and call myself “Dick Beard.

“-Hey, neighbor, is your wife free for a date today?
-No, I’m taking her out thi…”

“Art is like a kite with an airplane propeller, OK? Artists are like people who …”

“If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I hav…”

“Feel free to become a slave to your own clone. And mine. Remember, you can neve…”