If my father were Cupid, and my mother were Helen Keller, I suppose I probably would subscribe to the notion that “Love is blind.

“I don’t call watches watches, I call them grasps, because one, they grasp onto …”

“My dad was born poor, made a fortune during his life, and then died suddenly—mu…”

“My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get…”

“Though my stomach is only the size of a pea, I could eat two politicians’ brain…”