If my nipples lactated mustard, I’d wear a bra made out of two hamburger buns.

“I wonder if rooms in an insane asylum have Do Not Disturb signs for the doors. …”

“If beards flowed like rivers, then I’d stop shaving my facial St. John’s, and I…”

“I wanted to write “I Want” because wanting is one of the things I want most in …”

“Reading—it’s the third best thing to do in bed.”