If science took my IQ and spread it evenly among the world's population, like mental mayonnaise, we'd have more art, less war, and higher cholesterol.

“I’ll write the time on my wrist, and I’ll cover it up by wearing a watch.”

“After they broke up, Renaldo's ex girlfriend said to never again date an older …”

“I want a trophy wife, because the only thing I’ve ever won is a fourth-place ri…”

“I don’t beat around the bush. Especially since I like my women clean shaven.”