If you were to ask me what’s under my bed, I’d tell you shoes. They’re brown, and they’re still attached to the body that’s been decomposing there since I hid it three days ago.

“I like small talk. Let’s discuss midgets.”

“Blankets could be used as scapegoats for global warming. But why blame the blan…”

“Whenever I see a gorgeous woman, I think, Who is that tall drink of water, and …”

“I tell people my name is “The Weather,” and that I understand how they don’t ha…”