If you’re thinking about killing someone, don’t. Not don’t kill them, but don’t think about it—just do it already.

“A brick could be used as a spoon—to eat, not cuddle. OK fine, you can use it to…”

“A can of canola is better than a can of can’t.”

“My teeth are filthy, so to impress my dentist I compensate by wearing too much …”

“A plan won’t fly without dedication, perseverance, or wings. A plane won’t fly …”