I’ll put some ice in your coffee, to cover up the fact that it was already cold and old. I do this because my love for you is slightly warmer and newer.

“Politicians are like warts on the body of society. And the only thing worse tha…”

“I am the egg salad sandwich of love. The only problem is, I’m in the mood for a…”

“A brick could be used to win the love of a beautiful girl. The trick to getting…”

“I don’t endorse my checks, because what, am I just going to give away free auto…”