I’m a felon, though I haven’t been arrested for it. I’m guilty of stealing large quantities of love.

“In middle school, I spent a lot of time with my buddy Edward. I called him Sex …”

“Put the number seven in front of a mirror and what do you have? If you answered…”

“I’ve wrestled an alligator before. It wasn’t alive, but I still pinned it down.…”

“And if I’d been a good boy that day, I’d get to eat Chlorella for dessert. Chlo…”