I’m about to crash for the night, and I’m wearing a bicycle helmet to bed. I make love as if Lance Armstrong were shaped like a bowling pin. But I’ll spare you the details, if you can spare some change for my coin-operated vibrating bed.

“Birthdays, like women named Bertha, are not named after great Aunt Natalie. But…”

“I made love in a HAZMAT suit. I think I contaminated the relationship.”

“I always keep a Ziploc bag in my pocket, and wherever I go I fill up my bag wit…”

“So you made a mistake. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Let me beat you up inste…”