I’m divorced, in debt, and I can’t grow sideburns. Sometimes I get depressed, but then I think, It’s OK—I can still grow a mustache.

“My business associate said, “OK, Jarod, let’s talk turkey.” And I said, “If you…”

“I am not into nudity on camera, but I would love to wear a banana peel over my …”

“It is Father’s Day today. I should probably call all three of mine and say Hell…”

“I brought horny in a brown paper bag from home that I’ll break out at lunchtime…”