I’m going to name my firstborn son 0123456789, because I want him to learn to count before he learns the alphabet. And my second son I’ll call 01, because I want him to get into computers at a young age.

“Throw a pair of Band-Aids over your eyelids, and open your eyes to your wounds.”

“I once tried out for the Girl Scouts. I only went to one meeting. I ate all the…”

“I have a beard of grass. I grew it on my back, and sometimes my neighbor mows i…”

“I don’t get offended when you talk about the Japanese. Not because I’m not one,…”