I’m halfway to being a father. Not 4.5 months out of 9, but ½ of a mating ritual.

“I want to screw a license plate into your ass. It’ll say HNK F HRNY
”

“I just took a shit that smelled like a dentist’s office. Open your mouth.”

“I wear loud clothes. They aren’t bright colors, but I do have speakers sewn int…”

“Due to state laws, the restaurant was nonsmoking, which as a nonsmoker pleases …”