I’m not getting fat and lazy. I’ve always been lazy. C’mon, I’m American!

“I could do more pull-ups with a midget on my back, than a midget could do with …”

“In a good economy, people work hard to succeed. In a bad economy, people work h…”

“I'm asexual, though occasionally I'm attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tub…”

“A brick could be used as a substitute for the steak my mother-in-law just cooke…”