I’m only 33% patriotic, because I don’t bleed red, white, and blue. I only bleed red. But I pee white and my balls are blue, so doesn’t that count for something?

“I once went to a Russian restaurant called “Stalin’s Café.” All the items on th…”

“I know what is wrong, I know what is right, and most importantly, I know what i…”

“Kindly remove your shoes from my bullshit.”

“Sometimes I think I know her. This is not one of those times. This is not 3:33.”