I’m the kind of guy who turns my fan on in winter, only to then go and add another blanket on top of my bed. I practice inefficiency even while I sleep, so I’ll be prepared to one day be a politician.

“A skyscraper is to a brick as a pyramid is to____________A) a vagina, B) a part…”

“If I had a wooden leg I could sit on three-legged chairs no problem.”

“It was 7 AM, so what else could I say but, “Have a great night.” Plus, he was a…”

“I snorted powdered flamingoes while I pondered love. I sat at the bar two hours…”