I’m underwater on my mortgage. Thankfully, I live on a submarine.

“I’m not blanketing the truth when I say: Give a man a brick, and he’ll fish for…”

“When tragedy befalls me and someone says, "Better you than me," I always reply,…”

“A blanket is a shield, blocking out the breeze, and an insulator, keeping in bo…”

“My penis burns. I guess I should stop trying to put out forest fires with it.”