Inside my skull is a turtle shell. Inside the turtle shell is a rabbit. And inside the rabbit, all my tasty thoughts constantly stew.

“Like ice, this economy is more fluid than ever. Thanks, Washington, DC!”

“I cried so hard after I put my cat to sleep. I guess I shouldn’t have cried so …”

“People always ask me if I’m into sports, and I say, “Well, isn’t writing a spor…”

“The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from som…”