It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile, which make sense because yesterday I frowned so much I ended up pulling my groin muscle.

“If love were a dolphin with wings and a unicorn’s horn, being ridden by a blind…”

“-My son was 32 when he died.
-Degrees? So he froze to death, huh?”

“A brick could be used to enslave humanity. No wait, a brick can’t do that—but t…”

“It’s December in Florida, and there are still a few leaves clinging on the bran…”