It’s hard to maintain dignity while wearing a coat made out of peacock feathers and pants made out of geriatric human flesh. Still, every other weekend, I have to try.

“I’m a Colorado boy at heart, even though my surrounding body is like the landma…”

“Teach a man to fish, and he can provide for others. Teach a man selfishness, an…”

“If I say “No decision has been made,” it’s a lie—because I have decided to rema…”

“I’ll give you a glass of wine, if you give me a few drops of water from your ey…”